I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
