hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
