i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
