Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
