Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
