Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
