I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
