i permit you to call me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
