Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
