so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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