Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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