If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
