you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
