Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
