3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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