im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
