So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
