Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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