Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
