Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
