I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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