When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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