She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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