if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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