I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
