you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
