sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
