Sponge bath it is.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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