I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
