He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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