if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
