i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
