I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
