i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
