quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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