Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
