what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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