me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
