i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
