So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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