Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
