i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
