I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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