I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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