Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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