4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
