it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
