Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
