The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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