I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
