the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
