what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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