All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
